


A Jack Tale

by SEF



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Gen Fic, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-01
Updated: 2010-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 15:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/101493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEF/pseuds/SEF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine that, sometime after Colonel O'Neill learned of his impending promotion, he and SG-1 went on a final off-world mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Jack Tale

**Author's Note:**

> This is 98% team fic with a bit of Jack/Daniel pre-slash.
> 
> Acknowledgments: Many blessings upon my gracious, gifted, and greatly overqualified beta readers, Destina and Martha.   
> A podfic version, read by malnpudl, is available here: http://audiofic.jinjurly.com/search/node/jack%20tale

  


  
**   
  
  
**   
**   
  
  
**   


"Any more coffee?" Jack waggled his tin cup.

Daniel smiled, reached for the coffeepot, and poured Jack a refill. Daniel had smuggled the 100 percent Kona coffee (Peaberry grade, special roast) on-planet by the devilishly clever expedient of stashing it in his backpack. Now every member of SG-1 was spoiled for lesser brews.

The SGC's coffee budget was about to skyrocket.

Unfortunately, the caffeinated ambrosia was the only available supplement to the team's usual MREs. So far, anyway. Based on the intermittent crackling noises emanating from Carter's gear, Jack still cherished a tenuous hope for a special dessert on this, the final night of his farewell tour.

But he could be patient. So he popped a couple of Motrin, drained his cup to the coffee grounds, and burped sedately._Mmm,_ macaroni and cheese. He wasn't going to miss that stuff.

How could he? His arteries would be wearing it for years to come.

Daniel frowned fastidiously at Jack's belch, a probable sign that he was still miffed about the in-tent talking-to he'd received the first night here on PSF-WTF. Jack had made it clear then that he would tolerate no more nostalgic reminiscing. The purpose of this mission was to build the team and ease the transition to Carter's leadership. Period.

The evening after his little lecture, Jack had announced that one team member would be responsible for leading the after-dinner conversation each night. As a peace gesture, he appointed Daniel first.

Naturally, Daniel's obedience cost him a two-hour discussion of international law and its relevance to galactic conflict. Carter had plied Daniel with leading questions about how to determine shared values with other species. (He _was_ the right person to ask.) Teal'c had offered insights based on his experience as Apophis's first prime as well as his encyclopedic knowledge of classic Trek.

Jack had grunted occasionally and counted himself lucky. General O'Neill would probably have had to sit through the same lecture without the corollary benefit of hearing Teal'c's disdainful assessment of James Tiberius Kirk and the prime directive. Plus, Daniel was now out of the conversational rotation for the rest of the mission. 

So tonight was safe. Jack stretched his feet toward the fire, crossed his ankles (ouch), and sprawled back against his pack. The day's hike had been all downhill, which, while easy on the lungs, was hell on the knees. Fortunately, Carter and Daniel had provided him with ample diversion, bantering in the most enthusiastic geek-speak yet about the evolutionary implications of furry, four-winged "birds." Teal'c had been in his element, too, striding on point like the conquering drum major at the Battle of the Bands.

Jack and his cartilage might be worn nearly to the bone, but his satisfaction was immense. He'd made it. He had held up as long as his team needed him.

He twined his fingers together across his belly, sighed contentedly, and allowed himself to relax as much as he ever did off-world. As far as man or UAV could determine, this planet posed no threat. And Carter's best efforts had turned up no trace of naquadah. So by lunchtime tomorrow the gate would open, SG-1 would depart, and this little world could go right on spinning in peace.

In the meantime, the crackle of the fire and the susurration of insect song serenaded four lucky diners under a night sky that featured a spectacular new perspective on the Milky Way. Jack enjoyed all this glory in silence while Carter and Teal'c finished their meals at a leisurely pace.

Daniel, who was never much interested in USAF nutrition, quickly cleaned up after himself and then commenced his nightly ritual. He removed his field journal from his pack and brushed its leather cover--twice. Then he carefully affixed the silly damn book light (which Carter had given him) to the back cover. He reviewed the previous night's entry, mumbling the highlights under his breath, and then turned to a fresh page, where he ran the side of his hand down the gutter.

It was at this point that Daniel always remembered that a writer needed a pen. He stuck one finger in the journal while rummaging through his pack with his free hand. When he finally extracted an acceptable pen, he uncapped it with his teeth and wrote the date and planetary designation at the top of the page. Then he tapped the pen against his lips while he stared into the dark woods beyond the camp.

A chilly breeze stirred the tent flaps, wafting sparks from the campfire onto the open page of Daniel's journal. Jack winked at Carter and mouthed a countdown. At precisely "7 Mississip," Daniel cursed and clapped the smoking journal shut. Carter bent over the remains of her dinner, hiding a grin, her shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

"Hey," Daniel complained, to no one in particular.

Jack troubled himself to wag a single finger. "No reading at dinner, Daniel."

Daniel grumbled, but he tucked the journal in his vest. "Well?" He looked expectantly at his companions.

Carter shrugged, and Jack pulled the bill of his cap a little further over his forehead. "You're up, T."

Teal'c was never one to shun a social obligation. He cleared his throat. "Very well. Daniel Jackson. May I ask you a personal question?"

Daniel shot _Jack_ a suspicious and _totally_ unwarranted glare.

"Um..." Even after all these years, Daniel couldn't tell if Teal'c was pulling his leg. "I'm not sure I..." A moment later he crumbled under the weight of Teal'c's patient sincerity. "OK. Sure."

Teal'c inclined his head in gratitude. "I wished to inquire about your given name. You once stated that 'Daniel' means 'god is my judge.' Which god do you believe judges you?"

"Huh." Daniel chewed on the end of his pen for a few seconds. "The fact is, I didn't choose my own name, so you'd really have to ask my parents that question."

Jack checked another little box in his head. He had never yet heard anyone extract a personal theology from Daniel.

"And truthfully," Daniel went on, "I don't think they had any particular god in mind. My parents weren't, uh, theists in any traditional sense. So far as I know. They probably didn't think about the etymology of my name at all. In Western cultures, parents often just pick names that sound nice. Or they choose names of family members or of other people they admire."

"Ah." Teal'c seemed to find that answer unsatisfactory. "So your name is meaningless."

"Pretty much, yes."

Carter added two logs to the fire, taking care to observe the O'Neill firebuilding precepts. "Why the interest in names, Teal'c?"

"General Hammond has asked me to select a Tauri name for myself. He wishes, as a parting gesture, to ensure that I have an Earth identity should I ever need it. I thought to keep 'Teal'c' and add another name as well."

"Ah." Daniel chewed on his lower lip while he considered Teal'c's dilemma. "And you don't feel like a Murray."

"I do not."

Jack grimaced. The Murray thing had been a joke. Not a highly appreciated one, apparently. "So what's your choice, T?"

"I have done some research, O'Neill, but I have not decided. However, I believe it might be appropriate for me to adopt a name similar to the one that you all share."

Startled and rather pleased, Jack laughed. Daniel merely lifted his eyebrows.

Carter quit prodding the fire and took a seat, cross-legged, between Teal'c and Daniel. She tapped Teal'c's knee. "OK, I get 'Jack' and 'Jackson.' But how do I share in this?"

"Are not the males of your line called 'Jacob'?" Teal'c asked gravely, though there was amusement in his eyes.

"Well, yes, my father, but..."

"He's right, Sam," Daniel said. "They're all from the same root. 'Jack' probably came into English via the Norman conquest, from the French 'Jacques.' And 'Jacques' is certainly from the biblical 'Jacob,' meaning 'heel.' "

"_Heel?_ I've got to tell Dad that."

"That's actually an interesting mythological theme." Daniel slid a sidelong glance at Jack.

He cooperated by providing the expected scowl.

Daniel flashed a smile at him and launched into his lesson. "You probably remember that Jacob and Esau were twins, the sons of Isaac and Rebecca. As they were being born, Jacob grasped Esau's heel in an unsuccessful struggle to emerge first from the womb. Later he tricked Esau into giving him the firstborn's birthright in exchange for a bowl of lentils. So Jacob is referred to as the 'supplanter,' from the Latin _sub plantem,_ meaning to place your hand beneath someone's foot in order to trip them up.

"In the Arabic version of Jacob's life story, Jacob dislocates his hip while wrestling an angel, and thereafter he is unable to touch his heel to the ground. In that way, he's similar to Achilles, Ra, Krishna, and a host of other heroic or godly figures who were vulnerable only to injuries to their feet or heels."

Daniel paused for breath long enough for Carter to insert a question.

"Why was Jacob wrestling an angel?"

Daniel made a vague, sweeping gesture that suggested he was summarizing whole bookshelves for his companions. "Let's just say the text isn't clear on that point. It does say Jacob and the angel struggled all night, and Jacob wouldn't let go until the angel blessed him."

Teal'c looked troubled. "Did this Jacob become one of the false gods?"

"Oh, no, Teal'c, no worries on that score. Jacob was gifted and tenacious and ambitious, but he was also an underdog. He never became a poseur like Ra or a violent egotist like Achilles. And in English, the name 'Jack' became so common that it functioned as a stand-in for any male of the laboring classes. 'Every man jack,' as it were. 'Jack of all trades,' 'lumberjack,' 'steeplejack,' and so on."

"Yeah, T, every Tom, Dick, and Harry is named Jack."

"Not to mention male animals: jackrabbit, jackdaw, jackass. Eventually 'jack' was also used to name all sorts of laborsaving mechanical devices, from hydraulic jacks to jackhammers to bootjacks. 'Jack' has been used as slang for whiskey, for cheese, for money. It can even mean 'nothing' or 'of little worth,' as in 'you don't know jack.' "

"Shit," Jack said. "You don't know jack _shit_, Daniel."

"How then do you explain the verbal form?" Teal'c inquired.

Carter toppled sideways, snorfling into Teal'c's shoulder. "Yeah, Daniel, how do you?"

Daniel cleared his throat and pointed his pen at Carter as if he were an imperious old coot addressing an upstart co-ed. "Let's see, um, 'jack up' means to lift, as to hoist with a jack. And 'jack off,' I think...I believe there are two common suppositions."

"Two?" Jack asked, lifting two fingers.

Daniel squinted at him. "Well, there is the obvious hydraulic action. And there is some speculation that...uh, that the colloquialism derives from the proclivity of certain Toms, Dicks, and Harrys to assign diminutives to their genitalia."

_Man, that was one impressive sentence. _All those Dicks were hoisting Little Jacks? Who knew? Jack had always figured it was the other way around. Out of respect for Carter, he didn't voice that thought aloud.

Carter proved unworthy of his gentility. "So that's why Little Jack Horner was sitting in the corner!"

Daniel groaned.

"I see," Teal'c said, his gravitas squelching any further levity. "And yet this name is still sufficiently honorable for men such as you, Daniel Jackson? And O'Neill, and Jacob Carter?"

"Well," Daniel said, "it's true the prototypical Jack is a common man with a common name. But he's often underestimated by people who are bigger, richer, more powerful, and better spoken than he is. He trips them up every time. In fact, there's a long tradition of stories about trickster Jack."

"Indeed?" Teal'c's eyebrows rose skyward. "I believe I would like to hear one of these tales before I decide to adopt this name."

"Hmm." Daniel lay back, resting on his elbows beside Jack's backpack. "Traditional or modern version?"

"Modern," Teal'c said. "I require a modern name."

Jack lifted his cap and peered down at Daniel, who was staring into the fire.

"OK," Daniel said, after several minutes of contemplation. "Let me tell you one of my favorite Jack tales." He took a deep breath and began.

"Once upon a time, when Jack was a young man, he lived in a deep, dark cave with his poor widowed mother and his two younger brothers, Sam and Dan." Daniel looked over his glasses at Carter, who smiled and nodded her assent to the gender change. "The cave kept Mama Hammond and her children safe from the wolves and the harsh winter wind, but they had too little to eat and no coal for the fire. They stayed alive by drinking bovine lactose."

Daniel knew his audience; Teal'c glowered at the family's plight.

"Now Sam and Dan were bright, beautiful, and well behaved, but Jack was a restless boy who refused to learn his lessons."

Jack snorted. Teal'c gave him the evil eye.

"One day Jack was moping around, bored and hungry. Mama Hammond grew tired of listening to him bounce his ball against the cave walls.

" 'Jack,' she said, 'I cannot make enough money to feed us all with just my spinning wheel. Your brothers and I are cold and starving. You must take our cow to market and buy us food and fuel to last the winter.'

"Jack was very pleased to get out of the cave and go to town, where there were other boys who liked to play ball and gamble and make rude noises."

Jack supplied an appropriate sound effect. Daniel acknowledged the assistance with a wrinkled nose and a tip of the head.

"But the cow walked very slowly, and Jack soon became impatient with her. So, when he ran into Jacob the Butcher on the path, Jack agreed to sell her there and then. The butcher persuaded Jack to trade the cow for five beautiful, fragrant beans that he promised were of great value.

"When Jack returned home, his mother was very angry that he had sold their sole asset for a handful of useless beans. In a fit of temper, Jack threw the beans outside the cave entrance, and everyone went to bed hungry that night."

Carter heaved a mournful sigh, though she looked pretty well fed to Jack.

"The next day Jack got up early to gather wood for the fire. To his amazement, he found that overnight the beans had climbed up higher than the mountain that held his home.

"Now Jack loved to climb and he hated doing chores, so he decided to find the top of the beanstalk before he did anything else. The stalks were already so strong that they had no trouble holding his weight.

"So he climbed up and up, until he was above the clouds and the air was cold. Strange, furry birds began to twitter around him, and he had to wave them off. He was tired and shivering and his legs were aching, but Jack was determined not to give up. Finally, when his knees were too weary to bend and he was hauling himself up hand over hand, the birds gripped his thin shirt in their tiny hands and pulled Jack to the top of the beanstalk. He fell exhausted onto the ground of a strange new world.

"When he could breathe again, Jack looked around and found himself in a beautiful country, finely wooded, with green meadows and a crystal stream that flowed past a stone castle. The birds who had helped him circled overhead and then flew off toward the castle. Jack got up and followed them.

"He marched right up to the castle door and knocked. A very tall, powerful woman threw open the door. She wore a chain mail apron and had a third, golden eye in the middle of her forehead. 'I am Telaca,' she cried, 'the keeper of this house! What do you want?' "

For a moment Jack flashed on a vision of Teal'c in a full-length metal apron, brandishing a seven-foot spatula. Carter must have been drawing a similar picture because she was staring at the bottom of her boot with her lips pressed firmly together.

Promoting Carter's leadership was, after all, the purpose of the mission, so Jack followed her lead and didn't look Teal'c in the eye. Eyes. _Two_ eyes.

Daniel, confident of his status as Teal'c's fair-haired boy, went blithely on. "_No_ _one_ ever dared to bother Telaca, but Jack wasn't afraid of giants, even if they did have three eyes.

" 'Morning, Chewbacca!' Jack said. 'I've been climbing for hours, I smell like a donkey'--there was a definite giggle from Carter, Jack heard it--'and I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. Could you spare me some breakfast and bathwater?'

"Telaca looked him over. My master would enjoy this one as a snack, she thought, though he is skinny and smelly."

Teal'c gave Jack a straight, solid look. "As you were when I first encountered you, O'Neill."

"_Hey_."

Daniel waved away the interruption. "But the master liked to eat Telaca's kitchen help. So she decided to hide Jack so that he could help with her work.

"Telaca let Jack into the kitchen and filled a tub of water big enough for him to swim in. Jack hopped right in, and once he had warmed up a bit, he began to quiz Telaca about her country. When he found out that no one in the land had ever played any games, he began to describe how the boys from his home could hit balls with sticks, race across the ice on silver slippers, and battle to win the cup of Lord Stanley."

Jack rumbled his approval. A warm soak and a hockey game sounded like heaven.

"Telaca was so intrigued by Jack's stories that she didn't hear her master until he was almost at the door. She clapped a huge metal lid over Jack's tub and said 'Be quiet or he will eat you!'

"Jack was frightened because he knew that anyone who could order Telaca around must be very strong indeed, so he floated in his tub and didn't make a peep. He heard the kitchen door swing open, and a curiously deep voice cried out:

> Fee fi fo-fum-fass  
> I smell the stink of old jackass

"Thought I was a _young_ jackass," Jack grumbled, sotto voce, during the dramatic pause.

A tiny shrug expressed Daniel's lack of interest in literary consistency. He continued in the throaty tones of a Goa'uld:

> Be he alive or be he dead  
> I'll grind his bones to make my bread!

Daniel sat up and flung out his arms, whapping Jack across the ribs.

"_ 'Bring me the jackass for my breakfast!' _the master roared."

Jack plucked Daniel's sleeve and deposited the offending limb back with its owner.

"Telaca frowned. 'You smell the stable boy's laundry soaking in a tub, master. You ate the jackass last week. Today there's oxen for breakfast.'

"The master threw a terrible fit that set the pots and pans to rattling, but after much complaining he eventually calmed down and ate. Encouraged by Telaca's courage and her protection, Jack lifted the lid of his tub and sneaked a peek at the master. To his astonishment, he saw a small man in a funny hat and a green and orange dress with a wide leather belt. From the belt hung the bodies of a dozen or more of the furry birds.

"The master wore many necklaces and bracelets, and in the palm of his hand was embedded a large red jewel. Every time the master became impatient, he lifted his hand and fire issued from the jewel. Telaca never jumped when she was burned, but her forehead wrinkled and her back straightened."

Teal'c was indeed sitting ramrod straight, his expression grim and his gaze fixed on Daniel. That was when Jack realized just what a delicate balancing act Daniel was performing. He glanced at Carter and saw that she, too, had noticed the silent interchange between Daniel and Teal'c.

Then the moment passed, and Daniel slipped back into comedy.

"When he finished his breakfast, the master burped so loudly that the water in Jack's tub splashed against the lid. 'Bring me my little red hen!' the master ordered.

"Telaca disappeared and returned with a brownish red hen, which she placed on the table. The master told her to go marinate the stable boy, and off she went.

" 'Lay!' said the master, and the hen laid a shiny gold egg. Three times the master commanded, and three times the hen laid a golden egg.

"The master tucked the eggs into the bodice of his dress and fell asleep. As soon as he began to snore, Jack slipped out of the tub, snatched up the furry little hen, and made a dash for the door. The hen began to quack loudly at Jack, and the master woke. Jack ran as fast as he could  to the beanstalk and and slid down it like a firepole.

"Well, as you can imagine, Jack's mother was pleased with his safe return and delighted to learn that her errant son had found a way to feed the family. The little hen settled into a cosy box by the fire and proceeded to lay exactly one golden egg every month, which provided ample money to heat the cave and feed Jack and his brothers.

"One winter day while Jack was out playing hockey, his brother Dan sat by the fire to read a book. The hen flew out of her box and perched on his shoulder while he studied. The book was written in a language that no one had spoken in hundreds of years. As Dan tried to puzzle out the meaning of a pictogram he hadn't seen before, the hen pawed his shoulder and said 'Pla kkkkk ta.' He pointed to the next symbol, and she said 'Pla kkkkk ta wa beh.'

"Then Dan realized that the hen knew this language! He raced through the book, pointing to symbols and listening carefully as the hen read to him. By the time Jack returned from his game, Dan and the hen were conversing avidly in the kitchen."

A virtuoso demonstration of furbird speech followed. When all three of his audience members were agape, Daniel coughed discreetly and reverted to his everyday voice.

" 'Jack, we have to take Hen'pen'he home!' Dan said. 'The master will be angry. Whenever she didn't lay for him, he would kill more of her people. She wants to go back and help them.'

" 'How are we going to eat then?' Jack asked."

Jack cleared his throat. "Good question," he pointed out.

Daniel scowled. "Dan scowled, but he asked the hen Jack's question and reported her answer: 'She says you'll find all the riches you need if you take her home.'

" 'I don't know,' Jack said. 'It's an awfully long climb and I'm fatter now than I was the first time. I'm not sure I can do it again.' But secretly he was glad for the chance to have another adventure."

Jack eyed Teal'c and Carter, who were enjoying themselves way too much. Sure, the corners of their mouths were turned down in good-effort frowns, but they practically radiated bemusement.

"And so the next morning Jack and Dan made the long climb up the beanstalk. Once they were above the clouds, they released the red hen, who called for her kin. She and the furbirds latched their paws onto the boys' clothes and eased their way upward. When the two brothers reached the top, they once again knocked at the door of the castle.

"The giantess was standing at the door, just as before, but she did not know Jack, who, of course, was fatter and more finely dressed than on his first visit.

" 'Top of the morning,' Jack said, because after all they were at the top of the world. 'Could you give me and my brother some breakfast?' "

Jack roused himself from his comfortable repose. "Hey. That's 'my brother and me.' Jack is not a hick."

Daniel made a skeptical noise. "Oh, sorry. You're right." His voice lifted to an obsequious pitch.

" 'Good morning, gracious lady,' said Jack, sweeping off his cap." Here Daniel gestured so grandly that his pen went flying into the fire. " 'Might I beg of you to spare my brother and me a few scraps from the plenty of your table?' "

"Yeah, yeah," Jack sighed, defeated, and he settled back atop his pack.

Daniel's smile was almost lost in the shadows. While Carter fished his pen out of the campfire, Daniel made himself more comfortable. He snugged his lower back against the side of Jack's pack, crossed his legs, and addressed Sam and Teal'c directly.

" 'Be gone,' said Telaca, "or my master will eat you up!' But the giantess had a kind heart, and she could see that Dan was an upstanding young man, so after many warnings she allowed Jack and Dan to come into the kitchen and eat.

"They had scarcely begun to eat when there was a great hissing like an outraged snake, and the giantess bundled Jack and Dan into the oven. The master strode inside the room and roared:

> Fee, fi, fo-fum-far   
> I smell the blood of a fine scholar  
> Be he alive, or be he dead,  
> I'll grind his bones to make my bread!

"But again Telaca convinced the master he was mistaken. And so, after breakfasting off a roasted bull as if it were a chicken, the master called out 'Telaca, bring my harp and leave me to nap in peace!'

The giantess obeyed, returning with a beautiful harp, and then she left.

"The boys were still in the oven, watching. They saw that the framework of the harp sparkled with diamonds and rubies, and the strings were all of gold. 'This is one of the nicest things I ever stole from the owner of this castle,' said the master, who, like all evil overlords, often boasted to himself. He drew the harp toward him and said 'Sing!' And the harp sang a very soft, sad lullaby. The master fell asleep.

"Then Jack and Dan crept out of the oven and argued about which items of value they should take home to their mother. Foolish Jack wanted to take a haunch of the roasted bull and wrench the jewels from the harp, but Dan knew the harp was a beautiful, intelligent being that could bring music to the whole world."

Daniel leaned forward, admonishing Carter and Teal'c. _"It must not be harmed."_

Teal'c nodded his solemn pledge, but Carter chuckled, which Jack counted as a point for his side.

"Jack and Dan argued so loud and so long that the master woke up. Dan seized the harp, and they ran. The strings of the harp played a march, calling the liberated Hen'pen'he and her kin to swarm around the master. He cursed and swatted at the furbirds, but the boys escaped and carried the harp safely down the beanstalk to their mother.

"Now the family had music every day, and the harp brought many admirers who left gifts for the family. Mama Hammond was grateful that she could leave her spinning wheel and sit by the fire, and Dan was happy that he could talk to the harp, listen to her songs and stories, and learn more about the furbirds and the giants and their country above the clouds."

Daniel's voice dropped. More in sorrow than in anger, he declared, "But Jack was bored and wishing for another adventure. He didn't enjoy listening to a harp all day."

"Music, yes," Jack interjected. "Harps, no."

Daniel shook his head at this boorishness, but the fraction of his profile that Jack could glimpse looked suspiciously smug.

Great. Jack was feeding the muse that bit him. He shut up.

"One day the youngest brother, Sam, told Jack that he had discovered the golden eggs had magical properties. For instance, when placed amongst the coals, one egg could heat the whole cave for many days. Sam thought he could learn more if he talked to Hen'pen'he and examined the eggs more closely.

"So the three brothers once again climbed the beanstalk. They huffed and they puffed, and Sam and the furbirds helped pull the older brothers up. This time, when Jack knocked on the door of the castle, Telaca recognized Jack and Dan immediately. She pulled all three boys into her kitchen, cautioning them to be quiet, as the master was nearby.

"Sam looked 'round with interest at the many strange tools in Telaca's world. Dan studied the cookbook lying open on the huge table, seeking to learn more about the written language he saw there. But Jack listened while Telaca told him how the master had killed many in his fury, including kin to both Telaca and Hen'pen'he.

"Then, suddenly, in rushed the master, roaring louder than ever:

> Fee, fi, fo-fum-fist  
> I smell the blood of a scientist  
> Be he alive, or be he dead,  
> I'll grind his bones to make my bread!

"This time the giantess couldn't hide the boys in time. The master's hand spit fire, and Dan fell to the ground. Telaca covered Jack with her body, but the master grabbed Sam and held a dagger to his throat.

" 'I'll have this one's scalp for my belt and his ribs for my breakfast!' the master boasted, and Jack saw that in addition to the pelts of many furbirds, the scalps of several people did indeed hang from the master's leather belt. And Jack knew then that he cared more about his brothers and Telaca and the furbirds than any magic or gold.

"Jack turned to Telaca. 'Help me!' he said. 'You are a woman of courage, and united we can free your country from this monster.'

"Now Telaca was wise, and brave enough to trust even a boy when the opportunity for freedom arose. She looked into Jack's heart. 'You never started when you saw my third eye,' she said. 'You never screamed when my master threatened to find and eat you. You brought Hen'pen'he home, and now you speak of the fate of my people. We will fight together.' "

Daniel paused for thought. He gazed into the fire while his listeners were respectfully silent. Then he fiddled with his glasses for a while and continued with renewed energy.

" 'Now!' Jack yelled, and he leaped for the master's knife. Telaca seized an oak-tree club and began to beat the master. Sam escaped the master's grip and ran to aid his brother Dan. Jack and Telaca tore away the master's weapons, and jewels, and pelts while he roared and spat at them.

"Sam hauled Dan to his feet. 'Go!' Telaca said to Jack. 'Without his weapons I can defeat this creature. I will eat _him_.' And so Jack grabbed Dan, and the three brothers ran toward the beanstalk.

"But the master had several golden eggs in his bodice that Telaca didn't know about. While he struggled with the giantess, the master managed to pull one out. He spoke a magic word, and the kitchen exploded in flame. Telaca's clothing was alight, and she had to jump into the horses' watering trough to douse the flames.

"The master dashed after the three brothers. He began to toss the golden eggs at them, hoping to blow them to bits before they could reach the beanstalk.

"Dan called out in the furbirds' language. The birds swooped in, grabbed the eggs with their tiny hands, and made them disappear into the clouds before the master could say 'Fee fi fo fum.'

" 'Down the beanstalk!' Jack told Dan and Sam. 'We can cut it down when we get home and then no one can follow us.'

" 'No, Jack!" Sam said. 'We can't do that. We _need_ to adventure in this country. All of us do! We have to find another way.'

Carter beamed at Jack and he gave her a thumbs up. Opening the gate hadn't been a mistake. Using it wasn't a mistake. They both knew that, but it felt damn good to hear Daniel confirm it.

"Just then Telaca, whose heavy clothes were still dripping wet, charged at her hated master. The two struggled, but without his weapons the master was no match for Telaca. She tossed him into the air like a pizza crust. He spun, fell into the great puddle that surrounded the angry giantess, stumbled, and skidded directly toward Jack.

"Jack stuck out his leg. The master tripped and catapulted out of his world and into the break in the clouds where the beanstalk emerged. _Down_ fell the master with a terrible crash, and that, you may be sure, was the end of him."

There was no mistaking Daniel's relish in his conclusion. Silly as it was, Jack felt a little surge of triumph, too.

But Daniel added a coda.

"Jack and his brothers invited Telaca to visit them, and she agreed. They all climbed down the beanstalk and began to recount their adventures for Mama Hammond. Then suddenly, a beautiful little lady with twigs in her hair appeared before them.

" 'Jack,' she said, 'I sent Jacob the butcher to offer you the magic beans in order to learn what sort of lad you are. If you had looked at the beanstalk and only bemoaned your fate, I would have left you where misfortune had placed you, only restoring the cow to your mother. But you showed an inquiring mind, great courage and endurance, and respect for others unlike yourself. Therefore you deserve to rise; when you mounted the beanstalk you climbed the Ladder of Fortune.

" 'That's it?' Jack asked. 'Not even any golden eggs?'

Jack poked Daniel in the back for that little wisecrack.

"The fairy lady smiled on Jack. 'The very young should not play with such toys. But you have a fortune in front of you if only you will open your eyes and see it.' She then disappeared into the clouds.

"Dan, who was not yet recovered from his injury, lay on the ground and looked up at the beanstalk. Now Dan loved riddles, and he was sure the fairy had given Jack all the clues he needed to find prosperity and happiness. If the beanstalk was the Ladder of Fortune, perhaps it was more than just an arduous pathway to the country above the clouds.

" 'Sam,' Dan said, 'bring me the magic harp!' And Sam brought the harp.

"Dan spoke to the harp. 'Please,' he said, 'sing for us the tale of the beanstalk.' And the harp sang a ballad in the language of the furbirds. Dan listened carefully, his smile growing wider and wider. When the song was over, he thanked the harp for helping him solve the mystery.

"Jack helped Dan up, and he went to stand at the base of the beanstalk. He clasped his hands before him and looked up, and up, and up."

Daniel pressed his palms together and craned his head at the starry sky. His audience looked up, too.

" 'Ko-nah!' Dan chanted. 'Ko-nah, ko-nah, ko-NAH!' But nothing happened, and then Dan realized that Jack must do this last task. He turned to his brother."

Daniel pivoted so that he was facing Jack. "_You_ have to say it," he said. "It's your beanstalk, your fortune."

"Oh, I don't think so."

Daniel's eyes narrowed. "Team-building, Jack," he said mulishly. "We are _team-building._"

"Daniel." Jack might be a "full bird" colonel, but he was just 24 hours away from becoming a general in the United States Air Force. This was no time to start doing chicken imitations.

"_Jack_," Daniel shot back, with a scrunched-up expression that telegraphed he had absolutely no intention of letting Jack off the hook.

Jack rolled his eyes. "What? What do I have to do?"

"Take off your hat. Fold your hands. Look up. Say 'Ko-nah.' "

"All right, all right." Jack sat up straight, swept off his cap, and addressed the stars. "Ko-NAH!"

Daniel leapt to his feet and faced his audience. "And then the beanstalk shuddered, and thousands of bright red beans bloomed along the stalks. '_We will never go hungry again!_' Dan said. 'For we have the magic beans that grow only on this mountain. And we will pluck them, and hoard them, and brew them! And they will spur our thoughts and our dreams, and fill our pockets at 35 dollars a pound! And we and all our brothers and sisters will continue to climb the beanstalk, and meet giants, and slay monsters, and learn magicks!"

Daniel made a little bow, backlit by the fire. "And so they did."

"Woo-hoo!" Carter put her fingers in her mouth and whistled her appreciation. Teal'c clapped his huge hands together in slow, dignified applause. Jack shook his head, watching them, and he knew he was grinning, too.

Daniel allowed himself a moment to bask in glory and then lifted the coffeepot from the fire. "Kona!" he said. "Lift your glasses, please, lady and gentlemen."

They all scrambled to find their cups. Daniel poured a bit of liquid gold into each. He lifted his cup to the stars and then bent to touch it to Jack's.

"To Jack," he said, and his eyes were soft.

Carter rose to her feet as well. "To Jack," she said, breaching all their customary formalities.

Teal'c stood with the uncanny ease of a graceful giant. "To Jack," he said solemnly, and Jack knew that he wasn't saluting the fairy tale hero.

"Wait!" Jack forged to his feet, creaking knees forgotten.

"To..." Jack extended his cup, and his team members all reached back to touch it. "To..." What could he possibly say to these three? How could he ever tell them what they meant?

And then he knew. It was obvious enough for a simpleton, after all. "To Jack and his family," he said. "Long may fortune smile on them."

"Jack and his family," they all chorused. And they drank.

Carter slipped an arm around Teal'c. "So, did Daniel's story help you to decide on a name?"

"I believe it did. On earth, I shall be Samuel Jackson Tealc."

Jack nodded his approval. "That's great, T. So you get 'Sam,' 'Jack,' and 'Jackson' all in one."

"In fact," Teal'c said, "I selected that name because of my affinity for the actor Samuel Jackson."

Daniel choked.

Jeez, Jack had walked right into that one.

"I can see the resemblance," Carter said, her voice squeaking. Daniel drew her close, and a moment later she and Daniel were clinging together in helpless laughter.

Teal'c stretched out his hand. "O'Neill," he said.

Jack took his hand. "Samuel Jackson Tealc," he said. "Welcome to my world."

That was how the rest of their last evening together went, a mix of sentiment and giddy good humor. Carter broke out the cookies, Daniel made another pot of coffee, and the conversation lingered into the night. Anything even remotely funny set off peals of laughter.

At one point, Carter made the mistake of quizzing Daniel about the sources for his story. "I recognized Jack and the Beanstalk, obviously. And Jack the Giant Killer. Plus, you threw in _Gone With the Wind,_ Henny-Penny, _and_ the Little Red Hen. So what are you going to call your story in the annals of SG-1?"

Daniel pressed his fingers to his lips, thinking hard. Jack was certain that he had been waiting for just such a setup.

"It was a parable of cross-team collaboration and cross-species communication," Daniel said. "A tribute to those who have the vision to see beyond the obvious. An homage to enterprise and leadership, to heroes guided by wisdom but unafraid to play the fool. In short, it was the story of How I Made Jack and the Beans Talk."

Carter was too stunned even to groan. Jack was not.

"Ko-NAH!" Daniel said, in such a perfect imitation of Jack's own voice that even Teal'c was startled into a rumbling laugh.

"Ko-nah!" Carter echoed. "Ko-nah!"

The laughter started again and went on until even Jack had to join in. Nothing built a team like making fun of the boss, after all. Carter might as well enjoy it while she could.

Jack turned in shortly after midnight, hoping to spark a general exodus, but Daniel and Teal'c and Sam talked late into the night. Their plans diverged from his now. That was hard to wrap his mind around.

At two, his watch complete, Daniel returned to the darkness of their shared tent. Jack rolled over and snapped on his flashlight.

"Sorry," Daniel said, slipping easily into the low tone they always adopted for late-night conversation off-world. "Didn't mean to wake you."

Jack shrugged. "Wasn't sleeping."

"Too much coffee?"

"No."

Daniel unhooked his belt, loosened a few buttons on his BDUs, and plunked down on his sleeping bag. Jack envied the easy way he moved after such a long day.

"Too excited about your promotion?" Daniel set to work on the laces of his left boot.

"No."

Daniel paused. His head cocked, and the timbre of his voice changed. "What, then?"

"I was wondering how much you had to bribe Teal'c to ask the leading question tonight."

Daniel frowned. He pulled off the boot and shook it. Bits of leaves and debris sifted onto the tent floor. "You think Teal'c is corruptible?"

Not really. All Daniel would have needed to do was ask.

"I didn't ask him," Daniel said, reading Jack's thoughts as easily as if they were scrolling across his forehead in brightly lit letters. "You know, Jack, I'm not the only one here"--he thumped on his boot heel--"who would appreciate the opportunity"--thump--"to reflect on--"

"My greatness?"

_Thump_. "Your encroaching senility."

"Hmpf." Jack rolled over onto his back. "I thought I was supposed to live happily ever after."

"Says who?"

Come to think of it, Daniel's story had been a little untraditional in its conclusion.

"So you're saying_ no_ happily ever after?" Needless to say, Jack hadn't actually anticipated any such thing, but he had rather expected the _promise_ of one. How else did a man live with being kicked upstairs? "You might have a few lucid years left before it's all over" just didn't keep a guy rolling out of bed in the morning.

"Ah. No, not really, I just..." Daniel went to work on the laces of his other boot. Jack let the silence extend.

"_What?"_

"Sentences need predicates, Daniel."

"Are you sure you don't want to be a copyeditor instead of a general?"

"I can do both. So?"

Daniel huffed out a long-suffering breath. "Fine. Number one, I don't believe in happily ever afters."

Well. Understandable, but _shit_.

"And, two, I'm afraid if I say it I'll jinx it for everyone."

A deep laugh worked its way up from Jack's diaphragm and he had to chew on his fist to muffle it. "You don't believe in happy endings, but you believe in jinxes on happy endings?"

"I contain multitudes; I think I can hold two thoughts at once."

What an overeducated goofball. "Daniel, it was a damn fine story. But it's just a _fairy tale_."

Daniel tugged off his right boot with far more violence than necessary and hefted it threateningly. "Correct me if I'm wrong," he said, "but isn't that where our working relationship started?"

"It's not where it's ending, Danny-boy."

Daniel's mouth fell open. "Oh?" He licked his lips, a nervous habit Jack hadn't witnessed in months. "Oh. It's not?"

"No," Jack said. "It's not. Now go to sleep. This geezer needs his rest."

***

They broke down camp early the next morning. The mood was subdued, even gloomy, until the furbirds provided a bit of unexpected excitement. Without warning, they zoomed in closer than ever before. One settled on Carter's shoulder, and Jack dove for his zat gun.

"No, sir, it's all right! Don't fire!" Carter stood very still while the creature pawed through her hair.

"Teal'c, can you detach it without hurting it?" she asked. "I'd love to get a closer look."

Teal'c approached slowly and removed the furbird without much difficulty. He clasped it loosely in his huge hands while Carter and Daniel examined it. They gently stretched out its four batlike wings and exclaimed over the beauty and utility of its four tiny hands and the softness of its red-brown coat. Its head swiveled, curious brown eyes watching them with an almost whimsical expression. Soon it squawked and fluttered, and Teal'c released it to the air. It darted upward, where it flapped over their party in lazy circles together with several of its companions.

Daniel gazed longingly at the little flock. "I wish we had more time to study them."

"Damn." Jack wiped his forehead. "I thought for a minute there I'd be leading a bunch of vampires back through the gate. A few hours from the end of my last mission. It would be just my luck."

"_Vampires?_" Daniel asked, turning incredulous eyes on Jack.

Carter grinned. "As in vampire bats. You know, the kind that bite people on the neck and turn them into vampires."

Another of the furbirds made a dive, this time aiming for Daniel's open backpack, still propped against a rock. The furbird tugged on a bit of red plastic packaging that bulged from the top of the pack. Fascinated, Daniel dropped to his knees to get a better view.

"That's amazing," Carter said. "He wants your coffee!"

Two other furbirds swooped down to help. Seconds later, they had the entire bag in their grip. They took off. Daniel jumped to his feet and spun, looking upward as he tracked his precious package.

"Ko-nah!" the birds cawed. "Ko-nah!"

"Oh, my god!" Daniel exclaimed, his eyes wide with wonder. "My god, Jack! They took my coffee! We have to go after them!"

Jack scratched his head, frowned, and enjoyed the moment. "Let me get this straight. You want me to form a posse?"

No amount of sarcasm could squash Daniel's excitement. "They have language, Jack! They took my coffee and then said 'Ko-nah.' Kona, Jack. They _understood_."

"They're spacemonkeys, Daniel. They _mimic_."

"But they took the coffee! The coffee, Jack." Daniel grabbed the front of Jack's vest. "They're not just vocal. They're civilized!"

OK, Jack had to laugh at that. "Exactly. So let's leave them in peace."

"I'll recommend a follow-up trip," Carter said, alleviating Daniel's disappointment. "I think the general just might listen to us."

And so they finished packing and set out on a slow, easy hike back to the gate. Oddly, the team didn't fall into the usual single-file line; instead, Jack found himself paired in quiet conversation with each team member in turn. He began the morning with Teal'c, who took the opportunity to discuss the strategic and personal ramifications of the Jaffa rebellion with the general-to-be. Like Teal'c, Jack distrusted all Goa'uld, including the Tok'ra. But Earth's options were painfully limited. Even as a general, Jack wouldn't have much to offer the Jaffa. Explaining that was at least a little easier in the field, where Teal'c was an equal instead of a petitioner.

Then Carter stepped up, and the discussion turned to her new responsibilities. "I've talked with Teal'c and Daniel, of course, to see if they have any concerns," she said. "Daniel said he only had one."

Oh? And why hadn't Jack heard about that?

"He said we'd be fine. But just in case we weren't, he wanted me to know that it wouldn't be my fault. It would just mean our luck had finally run out."

_Arrgh_. What happened to not jinxing their chances of a happy ending?

Jack removed his baseball cap and slapped it against his thigh, raising a small dust storm. Damn Daniel anyway. Was he planning on dying again soon? He had no frigging business prepping Carter for disaster.

Judging from her worried expression, Carter was well aware that Teal'c and Daniel's lives now rested in her hands. What kind of team leader would want an excuse from a guilt trip if in fact she couldn't live up to that responsibility?

Jack threw an arm across her shoulder. "Carter," he said, "we both know Daniel's always right. But it _does not _matter. Because it's your job to make damn sure SG-1's luck doesn't run out."

Her eyes lifted off the ground and she smiled at him. She squared her shoulders. "Yes, _sir_."

About three miles from the gate, the wooded mountainside opened onto a different landscape. Luscious green, rolling hills stretched out as far as the eye could see, dappled with the slow-moving shadows of puffy white clouds. Nestled in one small hollow, surrounded by low hills, the stargate glinted in the morning sun. They all paused to admire the sight.

A minute later, Teal'c and Carter paired off and went on ahead. Daniel joined Jack, who wasn't yet ready to tear himself away from the view.

"It's like a woman's body, isn't it?" Daniel said quietly. "Not just beautiful... alluring."

Jack harrumphed at that unexpected pronouncement, but Daniel wouldn't be laughed at.

He pushed up his glasses. "No, I mean it. Don't you feel like you ought to be able to reach out and touch it?" He gestured at the horizon. "Cup the curves, run your hand along those slopes, rest in the folds of the land with the sun on your back?"

Jack was silent. What could he say to that?

Daniel's hand fell to his side. "Guess not."

He started forward, and Jack grabbed his arm. "Hey." Daniel didn't often wax romantic, despite his occasional flakiness, and Jack was sorry that he'd embarrassed him.

By way of apology, he offered up a fantasy of his own. "That's what it feels like when you're piloting a small plane over country like this," he said. "You can feel the updrafts under the belly of the plane, and it's like you're riding along the landscape itself. Like the whole world's alive and spinning through space on a cushion of air, and you're part of it. And it's good. It's all good."

Which was probably the lamest thing he'd ever said, but who cared? It made Daniel's whole face light up.

"You should think about getting a private plane," Daniel said. "Now that you'll have the time to fly it."

They started down the hill after Teal'c and Carter. Jack turned the suggestion over in his mind for a while. A plane wasn't a bad idea. He had plenty of contacts who could help him find something sweet--a well-crafted four-seater maybe, slightly used, and responsive. Fast. With great lines.

"I'll think about it," he said. The twinkle in Daniel's eyes proclaimed his satisfaction.

They walked the rest of the way to the gate in silent companionship. At the DHD, the team gathered in a circle, obviously expecting some last words.

"Well, kids," Jack said. "Time for me to get back and start spinning my spinning wheels."

"You're not that kind of CO, sir," Carter said. "The SGC needs a leader like you."

He smiled. "You're going to be good at this, Carter. You already are. And you've got a hell of a team. The best. The best that will ever be."

Shit. The lump in his throat made it impossible to go on. He was almost afraid to look at them for fear their feelings would push him over the edge.

But he made himself look. Carter snapped to attention and saluted. A dry-eyed Daniel straightened beside her, smiling encouragement. Teal'c towered over them all, imperturbable, his chin drawn high.

They'd always known what he needed. And they'd always given him more.

He swallowed the lump. "Cut it out, Carter."

"Yes, sir!" She dropped the salute, but remained at attention.

"O'Neill."

"Yeah, T?"

"You have acquitted your apprenticeship with honor."

Spines loosened then, and they all laughed.

"Dial it up?" Daniel asked before the laughter veered to tears.

Jack nodded. "Yeah, let's roll. From here on out, I've got your six."

"Good to know, sir."

Daniel pressed the symbols for home. The wormhole surged toward them, deadly and magnificent.

"You first, Carter. Make sure the drinks are cold on the other side."

"Yes, sir." She nodded briskly, climbed the steps, and walked into the wormhole without looking back.

Teal'c made a respectful bow and followed her without any further instruction from Jack.

Jack and Daniel climbed the stairs together. "Keep the door open a minute, would you?" Jack asked.

Daniel obliged by sticking his left hand in the wormhole. "Planning on a grand entrance?"

Jack shrugged. "I think they'll wait." He removed his cap and dropped it on the platform. Then he cupped Daniel's neck and ever so lightly kissed his mouth. Separated as they were by two clanking P-90s, two utility vests, and an assortment of thick cotton clothing, the kiss wasn't exactly intimate.

Daniel blinked at him owlishly, clearly taken aback. Then he surprised Jack by gripping his shoulder roughly and deepening the kiss until Jack's toes curled inside his boots. Either the wormhole was lighting Daniel up like a Christmas tree or they had some major electricity going for them.

Well, Jack could work with either.

Daniel released him. Jack noted that Daniel staggered a bit as he pulled away, but he faithfully kept his left hand in the wormhole.

"What," Daniel asked, "was that?"

OK, that was a reasonable question. Jack scrubbed at his hair. "Thought I'd try a little angel wrestling in my now-copious spare time."

Interesting. Only a few tiny twitches of lips and brows could mutate Daniel's shocked-puzzled-and-gratified expression into a shocked-indignant-and-irate one. "Please, please tell me you didn't just call me an angel."

Jack waved nonchalantly at the surrounding landscape. "You see anyone else around here who's been ascended?"

"I am not now, nor have I ever been, an angel."

"Well, if you want me to call you a _god_, I'm going to have to get to know you better." Jack touched Daniel's cheek and rubbed his thumb slowly along his jawline. His fingers slid down Daniel's neck and along the slope of his shoulder.

Jack didn't want another kiss, not here. He wanted to watch Daniel's eyes, see what was in his face, in his heart. And Daniel let Jack pet him. He let him see.

What Jack glimpsed made him smile and press his thumb gently against Daniel's collarbone.

Daniel swallowed hard. "Jack," he murmured. "I think I might want to bless you."

Jack laughed out loud. He patted both Daniel's cheeks. "You are **_so_** not an everyman, Dr. Jackson." He shoved Daniel lightly, just enough to send him off into the wormhole.

Jack reached down, picked up his cap, and fit it firmly for his big entrance. He turned and looked one last time at the pretty little world that would forever after be recorded as Colonel Jack O'Neill's last mission.

He grinned. "Mile High Club, my _ass_."

And he stepped into his new command.

 

*End*

|||||

P.S. I think the Furlings look rather like the Australian fruit bat, known as a [Little Red Flying Fox](http://sres.anu.edu.au/associated/batatlas/red.html).

Fanfic is a kind of folk tale--people of all sorts, all over the world, reinventing familiar stories and characters. If you want to write your own Jack tale, here are a few places that offer complete tales online:

[Jack Tales and Folklore](http://www.ibiblio.org/bawdy/folklore/tales.html)   
[Jack Tales: Jack and Molly Tales](http://www.mwg.org/production/websites/jacktales/resources/jack_and_molly_tales.html)   
[SurLaLune Fairy Tale Pages](http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/)   
[Jack and the Beanstalk: Three versions](http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/type0328jack.html)

  
  


  



End file.
